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"Maybe he's doing the same thing with the people around me." She chuckled. I've joked before (really, only half-joked) that couples should avoid flossing their teeth together if they want to feel passionate in bed.

What we speak less of is the emotional monotony marriages so often fall victim to.

"We are all guilty of something economists call 'passive decision-making,' which just means defaulting to the easy option," says Jenny Anderson, coauthor of . Whatever the decision, both people have to be part of the decision to do it and then figure out what needs to be done to keep the system humming."When you need to ask your partner for something that could be misconstrued as nagging, keep the request at three sentences—max. And when we think we are losing, we fight like there is no tomorrow to try to win," says Anderson. Do whatever you need to do to get sick and tired of them," says Bowman.

Tell your husband, "The article says this is all about figuring out what really makes us tick as a couple.

It's supposed to take only a few minutes each week. "Tell him you've read this article, and invite him to read it, too.

Let him know you could always start the journey and decide to stop short (though I hope you won't). Week One Take the scenic route You can be married a lifetime and not let parts of yourself be known.

When she and her husband go out to dinner, she'll watch how other people — a waitress, a friend they're out with that night, an acquaintance who stops by their table — are responding to his good humor and good looks. We may continue to recognize wonderful traits in our partners, but after five, 10, 20, or more years of marriage, we see them too close-up for those things to take our breath away anymore.

If someone laughs at his jokes or listens intently to a story he's telling or (even better) flirts with him, she tries to absorb those feelings and make them her own."It's as if they're reminding me of things I lose sight of in the day-to-day," she said. It's like the difference between swimming in the sea every day during the summer and being moved by the ocean's magic and power from a perch on land during a winter getaway.

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